Themoderncharm

Since the opening of this blog in 2016, here in this entry I describe my experience with online relationship forming – It’s evolving and so are humans.

If you are human, you should be considering which websites you should be using. Not too many people that I follow are taking a deeper dive into this topic. They will only scratch the surface of it, by saying “oh you should just post this, or post that.” First of all if someone is telling you what to post, you’re already setting your profile up for online dating failure. You taking someone else’s direction on how you should be presenting yourself is not in true alignment with you and what you would have organically posted if it was completely up to you. But even so, there is still so much to consider other than just the pictures or videos and I am sure there are many curious people wanting to find out what that is and what dangerous dating apps to avoid. And so I know that with that curiosity comes a lot of fear. Because as humans naturally, we will be scared of the things we know nothing about. Don’t get me wrong, meeting at a coffee shop, grocery store or at a restaurant sounds completely amazing to me. But I am an extremely deep thinker. SO before I get into the reasons why I think modern digital dating is something we should embrace, I first need to explain how the traditional dating field looks like in this awkward transitional period we are in; which is something that I’ve been analyzing for myself and for others since 2016. It is currently 2024 and I consider myself a pioneer in these digital dating realms. And to be completely honest, traditional ways of meeting people are not the best for me and I’ll explain why. First of all as an over thinker, God knows I’d strategize my daily coffee shop visits just so that I can give myself the best fighting chance of meeting someone I could be attracted to. I elaborated this idea to a coworker/friend of mine earlier this month because I’m moving to Los Angeles for work at the beginning of next year and I was telling her about my plans of how I was planning on meeting my future husband. I told her I want to put myself in places where I would naturally and organically want to go to, and she responded by saying “your a women with a plan”. Ha, yeah. That’s what I dread. I don’t want to be the planner. I want God to do it. So let’s take a deeper dive into these untouched ideas, and why I think doing this “traditional way of meeting someone” thing in person might not work for me here in Orlando, FL. Once I move to Los Angeles, i guess I’ll see what happens then with this little coffee shop plan of mine, that later on in this post I will explain.

Here’s a list of ideas that I can think of at the top of my head that I would realistically go for when deciding what environments I would put myself into to deliberately meet other singles and also a list of what other people are trying. First I’ll mention the things other people are doing; speed dating events, group/community meetups designed specifically for singles to meet other singles (cringe), social networking events, art events, concerts, dance learning socials, company holiday parties, sport/exercise facilities, bars, and my least favorite– someone your family and friends try to recommend to you to date. I’m sure there’s many more ideas that people are doing that I didn’t mention here, but those were the main ones that came to mind. And while all of those things are great, I am not avidly going out of my way on regular days just to “go meet people”. I know the people that I currently know and I love those people. I don’t feel the need to constantly “meet new people”. I actually don’t like meeting new people. However, human interaction is still a basic human need, and when I want to get that need met there’s a list of girls in my lifetime that I have met that all watch my Instagram stories daily. I can easily reconnect with any of the girls on my Instagram list and hangout and go have a lovely time somewhere nice. Still even so, it’s not everyday that I am on there reaching out. I truly just enjoy doing my own things on my own. So with my personality and how I enjoy living my life now; as of recently the scope of my human exposure was in person college classes, going to work once or twice a week, and the grocery store. Occasionally I have gone to boutique coffee shops, sometimes will go out to eat somewhere by myself. And my two closest friends that I hit up occasionally to hang out, are always down to hang out but, I don’t hit them up on a weekly basis. Like I mentioned earlier, lots of introversion going on here and I just really enjoy romanticizing my life by myself. But, when I am around people I can be very sociable and charismatic. During the holidays and birthdays I will usually gather around my family and hang out to have fun and enjoy quality time together. I guess you can say I am an ambivert, so the places I choose to be in public will most likely be a coffee shop, the grocery store, or somewhere nice to get a glass of wine with a girlfriend to catch up. The simple life is just amazing for me. Usually, since I live with a roommate I don’t bring people over to my house. And I try to be in bed by 10pm. This is how I enjoy living, I don’t feel the need for constant human communication. And if you text me I will text back in a split second if my phone is in my hand, it doesn’t matter who it is. I like to think that anyone in my life deserves the same treatment from me across the board. And my phone is always close to my reach, so the chances of me “not seeing” a text is rare, and if it takes me a little longer, it’s usually because the topic is like a “checking in with each other” topic (ex. mom and dad) I will know it is not urgent. Both my friends and family know that if it’s time to converse and talk about how our day went I prefer a phone call or facetime. Now, in regards to dating and meeting new single people, whether in person or online, if by miracle I meet someone I kind of like, usually the first conversation is about something completely random and then, slowly somehow it always turns into the deeper stuff, which it requires me to exert a lot of my energy in order to feel engaged in the conversation. I should add that I really dislike talking about a topic if the person I am talking to does not know much about the topic. I get bored easily if the person is not able to engage in that topic or does not catch my curiosity to learn about something I might not have known about before. Aside from the conversation and the internal stuff I guess the first physical thing I notice in someone, is that person’s eyes. Not really the color, just more so the eye contact. I am not much of a “oh my gosh he’s so strikingly beautiful, I must find a way for him to get to notice me as soon as possible.” Quite the opposite actually, I appreciate and admire from afar, I watch and and I analyze, slowly. And if by chance I get close and am able to hear a voice that melts into my ears I’ll most certainly “drop that handkerchief”. Really, the chances of me meeting someone in person that I really like and connect with is rare. So that’s why I would not cross of the idea of me perhaps meeting someone online. I personally believe a guy cannot grab my attention by looks alone. For me it’s attitude, it’s body language, and it’s character. All these things matter. And those things can be noticed online or in person.

So back to my coffee shop plan, I was telling my friend from work, okay so here’s the plan, when I move to LA, I’ll be heading into the same coffee shop on a daily basis, roughly around the same time daily in order to potentially cross paths with the same groups of people, and hopefully from that group eventually cross paths with one from that bunch that I like. To me that sounds far more delusional than meeting someone I like based off of an algorithm. Either way, it’s bound to work. One just takes far more longer than the other. Which one do you think I have a better fighting chance of finding someone that I like? One thing I really want to mention, is that a slow lifestyle like in the old days, really allows us to evaluate who we are and it gives us time to use better discernment in life’s greatest struggles. Doing everything so fast paced all the time can be draining and sometimes produce less than good results. A slower paced lifestyle also perhaps gives us the benefit, of getting to know people slowly and peeling back the layers of who they are slowly. Online, typically lays it all out at the same speed that we are able to get everything out in a text. It also might be more rare to find someone you can actually connect with, so there are many different perspectives on how to evaluate online connections vs in person connections. With the physicality of an interaction, we can become more guarded because all of our senses that are being utilized for the concern of our physical safety, especially as a woman. In the digital world we are strictly focused on ears and eyes. Where as in person I have to have my guard up in case someone wants to get a bit handsy and then at that point I must chop their hands off… kidding… But, my guard will definitely be more up in person than when I interact online. Online we can actually be more of ourselves, which makes the process of getting to know someone way more enjoyable in my opinion, and actually it will make the dating process last longer. That guard being up while in person, causes me and I believe many others to present a very carefully curated version of ourselves. Our thoughts usually come out more filtered in person. Our thought process functions much slower in person because of the energy being expended in our bodies worrying about all the other safety precautions I need to be thinking about in that interaction so our guards are up. Where as online, because we are in the safety of our own home, the walls come down more easily. Which it allows us to be more vulnerable and more quickly get “emotionally naked” per say and I can type and think more concisely to get the message I want and get it out more clearly without the distractions of analyzing potential threats or danger to my being in my surroundings. Also, if you think about it, in the olden days letters where a great tool for courtship and I feel like those intimate written moments were key components of successful marriages back then! They were probably just as vulnerable in those letters like people are today in online dating. Which dating style would you lean towards more, online or in person?

Even if online dating we can open up faster, there is a component of it that might make it a little scary. Dating online is easy, the hard part is switching it to being in person. This might make some people incredibly uncomfortable if they are not setting up a great foundation for a smooth transition. It’s uncomfortable not because the interaction itself is hard, but because when it comes time to meet the person physically, you already feel naked. If anything the shyness you feel might be greater than if you would’ve just been interacting in person everyday since the jump. Imagine completely undressing your psychological background and never having physical contact with that person, and all of a sudden them being in your presence every day causes you to want to “cover yourself up”. That’s why it’s important to set yourself up for a lovely encounter. Yeah if you would have met them in person, your carefully curated version of yourself would have blocked any access to the real you. It’s easier that way! They can’t have access to your deepest most intimate thoughts because how could you, it’s too soon and so daily interactions with them is what it’s going to take to break down those walls but even then it would take much longer in person then it would online. The intimacy of being emotionally naked with someone without having to be physically naked is so incredibly beautiful. There’s true innocence in that though, I think that’s something we should try and preserve as a species. The innocence of it all. And so we should ask ourselves; As humans, when something get’s hard do we avoid it altogether? If it’s going to help us live longer as a species, shouldn’t we find a way to maneuver these situations so that we can incorporate it into our reality the most genuine way possible? Is NLP in our society driving us to prefer reading what our partner thinks as opposed to hearing them say it because this way this allows them more tranquility with getting their thoughts across in stead of constantly feeling the pressure of being over analyzed in a room full of watching eyes? Where does vasopressin and oxytocin incorporate into all of this? There is still so much to explore and discover about the physiological and psychological accepts of online dating vs in person dating. But I can speak for myself in one sense. I truly have an eye for reading body language, but naturally, reading and communicating through scripture excites me, challenges me, and stimulates me. That much I do know.

Can tech be the new dating pool? Can we as a society keep an open mind to this? Instead of constricting our beliefs to what’s in close proximity to us? Did Kings not send help to find their sons a wife on different lands or different territories? And did they not have only a about a 10 day window to find her? Was this not all left to chance as well? And were these seemingly random connections not ardent as well? The new generations of dating people by meeting through technology has absolutely changed the dating fields. Are we not pioneers in this sense? Do we not have the right and power to explore these waters whilst incorporating our human instincts however we wish? Can the future generation potentially incorporate this new norm as a genuine evolutionary process? If your online actions and thought process is traceable then I believe, Yes. I think they are just more tools that people can use to live in this current digital way we live in. We think things are just getting started because we are starting to see more and more of it, but this has been around for an extremely long time now. Just think of the chatrooms on aim/AOL back then. Remember those? It’s just with the uprise of the dating apps, and online dating websites, it’s getting more attention. But we’ve been meeting people online way before those existed. And to be honest those are the things I am afraid off and I am telling people to stay away from them. And later in this post I will expand as to why I believe they are a big waste of time. There is many ways to approach analyzing the different avenues and outlets that people have to interact online with new people. So much technology is really shaping the new psychology of the next generations. For example there is currently technology in place being made to track our dreams and be able to vividly display those pictures on screen in real time. Could you imagine being with someone who is constantly having dreams every other night with a different potential partner? Crazy right? Well, it isn’t so crazy, it’s for sure going to happen, and people will for sure get mad. I get that some times doing things through tech might not feel super organic, but isn’t love more about the connection we build than the way we meet? Imagine your having dreams with someone you just met online and them having those similar dreams too? Couldn’t that be a fantastic topic of conversation when you do meet in person? We could share with our future generations that love stories come in all shapes and sizes, and what’s important is that we found each other and built something beautiful together. People meet in all sorts of ways, and it’s about what happens after the meeting that counts.

A while back I came across a story about a boy and girl that met through an online language school. I believe the girl lived in the middle east, and her and her parents spoke Arabic. Her parents wanted her to learn French so she was taking online tutoring lessons with a similar in age French speaking tutor. To the parents surprise, the boy and girl fell in love after multiple zoom meetings. They cultivated something so beautiful in their own digitally organic way. The boy converted to her religion, and so the parents allowed her to marry him so she was able to be with him. She moved to his country and today they have an entire Instagram dedicated to sharing their story to inspire others, that it is possible to find true love online. I loved reading their story. Their story is rare, but it does happen! They too are pioneers in their own right. So this leads me to believe that online dating is wonderful and that it doesn’t have to have so many bad stigmas surrounding it! The only thing I am really precautious of is not advocating for ALL mediums of networking and meeting people online. I do believe there should be a carefully thought out decision making process when deciding which websites to expose yourself in. For example, for me any app or website where you have to pay money to get a dating service is a big no no for me. You will never catch me on swipe lefts or rights platforms— they are just not safe, and by simply starting off your interaction with a monetary transaction are you really setting up yourself for a close to organic pure intentioned way of dating? Even in the digital sense, this seems the farthest from organic in comparison to the earlier story of the boy and girl that met in an online language school. There are other ways to meet people online now a days not just online schools. After the pandemic, more and more companies are switching to remote workers, because they realized that the best of the best is actually not in their home city or town, the best of the best in their field is currently thousands of miles away, and the fits perfectly for what they are looking for. Sound similar to the above love story? The boy and girl for whatever reason, were perfect for each other. Of course in a romantic sense, no one is perfect, and we all have things we can work on and digital relationships are no exceptions– some people might overlook it and scuff it off, and say “they got lucky”, but meeting someone online through work or school is becoming more and more increasingly common. And the people in it, are truly embracing the potential romantic unions because of it.

This evolution is moving at an all time greater speed thanks to the recent pandemic and people’s intuition for meeting a potential partner through work from digital opportunities. For example people are being hired for institutions as remote employees, and then having daily meetings with people across the world through zoom calls or group chats. Different personality dynamics exist in those spaces as well— They might just end up meeting someone that they can perhaps connect romantically to? I mean what would be the odds that someone you feel drawn to in a pool of coincidental circumstances is in your same field and same journey at the same time? This kind of reminds me of people meeting in college. The likelihood of you finding someone you connect with are higher because of shared interests and if not shared interest at least shared values, but still the college is so big and there are so many people that you don’t really get to meet everyone do you? Online job boards are similar because there’s a lot of people and interests are similar but not all job postings are being presented to us at the same time. Indeed like social media have algorithms too and what shows up for me one day isn’t the same that’s showing up for the next person on that same day. And even if you did so happen to come across the same job posting — did they both get hired? No! Think about it… doesn’t it feel more like a modern miracle? A butterfly effect? Isn’t it fascinating how algorithms can connect us with people who share our values and interests? It’s like the universe is working vicariously through technology or visa versa. Take me for example- I got hired for a marketing director position for a Sign Language interpreting agency based out of Los Angeles, CA in 2023 — and the CEO said she had received 2000 job applications. And she didn’t even go through all of the applications, she said that of the people who messaged her or emailed her directly – my email was the one that stood out the most to her. I got hired out of 2000 people. What are the odds? Meeting people in this digital way absolutely increases our potential to find love online. But be selective of the software’s you use daily. Just like how your selective about the restaurants you go to. Do the same for your online presence; “Not just anywhere”. That job I had was in 2023 and I found it on Indeed- it’s 2024 and more and more people are gaining experience in working from home— so that number could easily now be in the 5000s if I were to apply for that same job today in age. What’s better your close proximity of dating people of 300 people in your city with only a handful sharing your values – or would you much rather be in an environment with like minded people and there’s thousands with similar interest. And at the end of the day what’s for you is for you because God will design your life for you, and you can rest well and easy knowing everything that lead you to each decision is working in your favor for your favor through the grace and divine power of God.

I do believe it is an interesting topic, algorithms and the fortuitousness of meeting these people we cross paths with online. In the last two years, I’ve met many people online and after analyzing all these different facets of meeting people online, I’ve come to the conclusion, that we are now hyper attuned to the characteristics and nuances of the type of people we prefer to surround ourselves with. With this I’d like to end this excerpt by stating the importance of digital cleaning days, and checking what environments you’re surrounding yourself in, whether it’s Instagram, Indeed/work, or online schooling, taking the time to get out and stay active in the world too. Make sure the platforms you are using leave you feeling happier then when you entered into them. And like I always say if something doesn’t feel right and it’s draining you instead of nourishing you, change it. Delete the not so great people from your life and keep only the people who make you feel better about yourself with every interaction. Did your people make you feel seen, heard, and understood? Did they respect you? Did you say something online that you wouldn’t have the courage to say in person? Have you tried imagining yourself saying those things to the person you like, before saying it to them in person? Did it feel natural or forced when you practiced? These are all questions to ask yourself when transitioning your digital relationship into meeting the person physically. We must exercise our minds with these questions daily. Technology, AI, and digital relationships that turn physical are something we need to embrace and it’s here to stay. Let’s evolve in a healthy manner. Take the bull by it’s horns. And you? Have you digitally cleansed today?